Losing touch..

Looking back at your life, you see those you were once so close to, those you were really never close to, and some people that just drifted by. Do you ever just sit and think "What happened...?" Honestly, growing apart from someone can't be blamed on just one person, at least not all the time. I look at who I have in my life now, and I love every one of them. But when I see who I should be closer to, it gets me a little down.

There are a few relationships in your life that you really need, those with parents and family, and friends. I think of both my parents. I'm not close to either one of them anymore. My dad, it's a little hard to be close to someone you barely see or talk to. But my mom, it's like she's standing right in front of me but there's this huge invisible barrier keeping us from connecting.

'What is this gigantic barrier', you ask. I can't tell you. Honestly, because I don't know. We get along great once you subtract certain inconveniences in her life. She has always ended up with loser boyfriends. Yep, every one of them were mentally, if not physically abusive. They manipulate her into believing that she "needs" them. Who needs abuse? No one. I understand the feeling that one has, wanting someone to care for them. But why choose family second to something that just isn't right. She stays with him because of fear- fear of being alone, fear of what will happen after, fear of what he will do. It looks as if she provokes him to hit her, just so she can get him arrested and have some peace. You know the situation isn't too great when it comes to that. Why put yourself, and your family, through that kind of pain?

I can't blame it all on her, of course. I have made my own choices that might have affected things. After leaving my dad, my mom jumped right into the rocky path of bad relationships. All of which came before me, her daughter. I feel like those choices, forced me to grow up too soon, learning to take care of myself. In a way, it allowed me to find someone to care for me in a way that I didn't have. That's one part of this situation I don't regret, is being close to my boyfriend. But a mom is different. She is supposed to be the one who tells you things about dating, love, relationships, and anything else that's associated with adolescence and being a woman. I feel like I had to learn all of that on my own. Now I'm at the peak of my childhood, entering the world of being an adult. I feel like I've missed out on a lot. Things that I should have experienced as a child like going to the Dells, annual camping trips, and going on other outings, are just now happening, on my own.

Instead of repeating history, when I'm older, I refuse to let my child come second, or even third. My family will always be first. No matter what. I won't force my child to grow up too soon and take on the responsibilities of a parent.

After all this, I used to hold a grudge. But what's the sense in that? A grudge does nothing except keep things from moving forward. Why not make up for lost time now? There's no better time than now, because honestly, tomorrow is never guaranteed.